I started Head on the Pillow as a final, no excuses space for me to start documenting my thoughts and experiences relating to addiction, recovery, mental health and whatever else unfolds in the process. My journey has been long and messy, and I feel like it's important for me to try to write something about it, at least for my own sake, and then who knows - maybe what I write might mean something for someone else.

 

But writing is hard work and I'm already REALLY tired MOST of the time - so setting off a whole lot of hardcore painful memory triggers isn't usually top of my downtime list.

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So I've delayed.

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And delayed.

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And life has gone on.

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And on.

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But this is important.

 

So here I am.

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I'm re-joining my AA group to help me connect with my thoughts around this. A lot of my thinking has been filtered through a 12 step lens but I want to be clear that I am not speaking on behalf of the program. These ideas are my own - I am NOT a spokesperson for AA, NA, CMA or any other 12 step. The fellowship programs are amazing and they save lives. This blog isn't a part of that, this is a solo venture, I'm writing because I just don't feel like there's enough personal reflective experience available to those struggling with addiction and/or mental health challenges in Australia - especially women. There's hardly any accessible information available for those struggling with drugs, alcohol, mental illness, or for those with loved ones struggling with the same. There's no open discussion about psychiatric clinics, public or private options, treatment, medications, diagnoses, relapse, where to get help, what powers the government might have, what powers you might have as an individual, your rights in dealing with a doctor, in dealing with a pharmacist, in being admitted or discharged in a private clinic, in being admitted or discharged in a public hospital, in seeking medication, in filling scripts... I could go on.

 

Treatment environments that are ostensibly engaged on a free will basis are rarely administered in such black and white terms. I was detained in clinics for extended periods. If I mentioned discharging myself, this was deemed evidence that I was high risk and grounds for scheduling under the mental health act in a public hospital. 

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Ok, a bit of a tangent. This is just reminding me why I'm doing this. It's also reminding me how painful and tiring and heavy the memories are.

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I'm going to publish this today. It's going to be very imperfect but if I wait for perfection, this blog will never be published. The posts, above all, are about me, more than any one thing. And my experience overlaps many different generic experiences. I've never written a blog and I've written very little of anything at all for years and years now, so I'm expecting there to be some cutting in. But I'm going to grit my teeth and publish from now on. Hopefully something will come of it. Even if it's just clearing my head, my personal debris.

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Oh and.... Head on the pillow. This is for Will. Because he shared once in a meeting that this was the best advice anyone ever gave him, and I was touched that it was from me: "When you're struggling not to pick up, everything is painful and hectic and you honestly don't know how to get from one moment to the next, you just ditch all your plans and expectations for the day... just get your fucking head on the pillow and you're done. That's it. Another day. And that's how you do it one day at a time." Will, it's so unfair that I made it and you didn't make it. So maybe this can be for you. Just reminding one person struggling that all they have to do is to get their fucking head on the pillow... and that's it. Another day is done.