If you're thinking about recovery or trying to take steps to give up drugs or alcohol, the biggest battle is the one that takes place inside your own head. Human beings really are creatures of habit, and at a primal physiological level, we like things to stay just the way they are. Why? Because for hundreds of thousands of years, things staying the same meant that you survived, and things changing meant that you were at risk. If you want to read more about this, there are a bunch of great resources that you can look at - I have listed them on the resources page.
Our brain sees the status quo as "safe". If we keep doing what we are doing, we will be ok. And if you think about the survival instinct that keeps animals alive on a basic level, you can see how this makes sense. If I keep eating the amount that I'm eating, visiting the same water hole, hunting in the same manner, reacting to danger in the same ways, then I will continue existing in the way that I am now.
But that primal instinct doesn't always get it right - and with drugs and alcohol, we experience a kind of sensory overload that's beyond the normal range of just surviving day to day. Things just get thrown completely out of whack and it becomes impossible for our primal instincts to sync up with what is actually going to help us and what is going to hurt us.
What we need to do to stay safe can suddenly feel like a very confusing question - and it can be scary because you know that this question shouldn't be confusing. The question of whether or not your addictive behaviour is harmful isn't usually "grey" - so why the fuck can't I stop?
If you are in active addiction, then however much you want to stop using and however much you know you need to stop, your monkey mind will be working on it's own little project to do whatever is necessary to keep you using. Not because your monkey minds is an arsehole (although it does seem like an arsehole a lot of the time), but because you're threatening this habit that your primal brain has come to associate with survival. So it's trying, in it's own fucked up way, to keep you alive. So that monkey mind is going to throw every possible distraction in the way of you taking steps to do something about your habit. It will come up with reasons why it's not really a problem or why now isn't the right time to address it, it will point to other people, other issues, anything else to keep you from looking at the alcohol or the drug that you're trying to tackle. And remember it's YOUR mind that's doing all these gymnastics so it can be incredibly difficult for you to see these distractions for what they are.
If you try to seek help as an "alcoholic" or an "addict", then your shifty monkey mind will do everything possible to distinguish you from all the other alcoholics and addicts. It will focus on the differences to prove to you that you don't have a problem - that it's ok for you to keep using - that things should stay the same.
So this is the battle inside your own head - this is why it's so incredibly hard, against all rational evidence, to change your own addictive habits: because at a primal physiological level, you are fighting for your life. For all your rational understanding about the danger of what you're doing, there is a powerful animal part of your brain determined to sabotage your efforts to pull up.
It's incredibly distressing to come to terms with this conflict in yourself - the push pull of wanting to stop and not being able to do so; knowing what's right, what's in your best interests, but compulsively making choices that are inconsistent with those interests.
It's not impossible to navigate this battlefield in your own head but it can feel impossible if you don't know what you're dealing with. If you don't have any idea about the push pull of the different instincts and motivations rattling around inside you. So the first step is just being aware that there's more to it than we might initially think or feel. Having a basic understanding of what is going on in your body and brain during this struggle empowers you to navigate recovery more successfully.
Accept that any effort to change is going to be uncomfortable, whether the change is good, bad or neutral. Accept that the raging thoughts are not nearly as important as they might feel. Working with a program like AA can be immensely helpful because it enables you to sideline your own "monkey mind" and let the program do your thinking for you. It's "a simple program for complicated people" and it will keep bringing you back to the action steps with meetings and the "one day at a time" manifesto. These principles are simple but they are not in any sense trivialising the struggle - it's the simplification that saves lives.
I think once you know what your brain is trying to do, it can enable you to stop fighting against yourself. You aren't a fuck up or a failure, you're just working with a very confused system of instincts and rewards, trying to bring things back into line. A lot of what you think you know has been built up as a defence to protect these potentially deadly habits. It's very hard to accept this but surrender is powerful and it's healing.
If you have the opportunity to turn things over to a program like AA, then try it. Hear what they have to say about the monkey mind. You've been in charge of things for a long time now and if you're not happy with where it's gotten you, you might as well try something different while you give your brain a change to reset.
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